Ron Ulysses Swanson
I am an extremely masculine individual. In my entire life, I have only cried twice:
once when I was hit by a bus at age seven; secondly when Lil Sebastian died. I am an
outdoor enthusiast who loves hunting, woodworking, camping, and fishing. Fishing relaxes
me; it is like yoga, except I still get to kill something. For years, I have used a park
ranger station in the woods as a lodge for private hunting trips with my male colleagues
at city hall.
I suffer from a disorder called sleep fighting, which is only terrible when I am losing.
I am attracted to brunettes and strong, self-possessed women at the top of their fields. Like
professional athletes Steffi Graf and Sheryl Swoopes, who are among my ideal women. I am an
extremely private person, so much so that I redacted my birthday from government documents
to keep others from holding parties for me. I know almost nothing about popular culture,
nor do I care.